I'm not gonna lie, the last month (actually the last 10 months) have been some of the most challenging times I have yet to experience in my safe (and most of the time happy) little life. Though filled with joy, excitement and fierce love, I have been forced again and again to live and operate so far out of my comfort zone that I am now beginning to get very comfortable being uncomfortable! Up until two years ago I didn't want kids- until then it just didn't feel like it fit into our life plan. Thankfully we had a massive change of heart and the decision to start a family was made. But through the entire experience (because I am a bit neurotic and selfish!) I was worried- not only worried about the physical unknown of being pregnant and then raising a child BUT REALLY worried about what this would mean for me as an artist and an entrepreneur. For years I had spent so much time working towards my goals of being an artist that amidst the joy of welcoming a little one- I was terrified of losing myself in the experience, of losing my desires to be an artist/entrepreneur and even losing my ability to be creative.
Fast forward to the last month of our dear little Lucy's life....my fears and worries did come true and I did lose myself but not in the way I spent so much time worrying about. Instead I seem to have lost myself to to strange combo of love, selfLESSness, connection, learning and ultimately redefining this new chapter in our lives. While I've had my moments- especially early on- of asking how in the world am I going to do all of this-I just gave in to the newness (something that is not easy when you are neurotic!), the uncomfortable moments and intense emotions and have embraced this new chapter. I've made the decision to make it all work and its ok if things look and feel different.
Though the last month has presented its challenges I've made the decision that no matter how busy, challenging or time consuming being a mom is, I can and I will hold onto my passion, my creativity and my identity as an artist. In the last month I have strapped little Lucy to my chest, right next to my heart and pushed past the fatigue, the fear, the newness of being a mom and continued to create, to fulfill obligations and redefine this new chapter. I know that continuing to make time for these things will make me a better parent, a balanced person, and an example to my daughter of what it means to pursue your dreams.
This last month has been challenging- making my way through the unchartered waters of parenthood but I have learned that my ability to learn, to adapt, to conquer, to create and to LOVE is stronger than I ever knew.